Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The other night I had a moment. My youngest finally came down with the stomach bug I invited into our home over two weeks ago. (It has graciously gone from me, to my oldest, then my youngest and I'm begging God that it will leave before spending time with my husband...)
Anyway, it was early in the morning (1:00 am...ish..type of early). Little one had crawled into bed with us. I was hanging onto the 5 inches at the edge of the bed which is my sleeping space whenever children join us. So there I was, right arm lodged under the pillow my sweet baby slept on (this keeps me anchored to the bed so even though my hiney is hanging over the edge I'm still "attached" to the surface of the bed) The dog was anchoring my feet under the covers at the foot of the bed. B was snuggled up in the crook of my body and before you know it...the cat jumps on the bed and curls up on the rolling hill of my hip.
I laid there in the darkness feeling the "points" that were "anchoring" me. I kept thinking about what my body represented at that very moment. Was I furniture? or simply an extension of the furniture? I was frustrated and grouchy from lack of sleep...or the thought of lack of sleep. I mean I brought forth life from this soft, squishy, mobius, flesh covered frame? Am I nothing more than and object? I have rights!
I felt the warmth generated from the body of the youngest life form and heard his gentle breathing. He was calm and peaceful in his sleep. Her hairy highness warmed my feet, even though she was snoring, and the purring of the high priestess of hairballs was in fact soothing on my hip.
This body of mine, in all of its imperfections, for this brief moment offered the anchor of comfort...and it was good.
Monday, March 15, 2010
The contents of our home have been purged (thank you mom and dad for all of your help), the exterior shined up a bit and the sign is hanging by the mailbox at the driveway entrance. It's official! We're beginning the journey to Colorado.
Today I was faced with an unexplainable emotional outburst that I struggled to explain to my boys. Prior to picking them up from school I got the call that someone wanted to see the house within the hour. I frantically rushed around picking lint out of the corners of the rooms and threw things into hiding in the washer, dryer and oven. After picking the boys up from school, I instructed them of their every move for the next 30 minutes when we reached home. They executed their moves beautifully and we (I) sat and waited the final 10 minutes in fitful anticipation of the "lookers" arrival.
The car pulled in and we immediately headed to our stations in the car. Myself dragging annoying barking dog on her leash to her coveted spot in the front passenger seat. Our eyes met...they seemed the perfect candidates...young, pregnant, country (this is a politically correct description of someone wearing camouflage as regular dress). I climbed into the car and started down the driveway chanting, "They'd be perfect!" "They'd be perfect!" ... when suddenly I burst into tears!
Both boys immediately wanted to know why I was crying? Why was I crying? It felt an enormous jumble of emotions...anxiety, happiness, fear, PMS...lots of PMS today...and anticipation. I tried to calm their worries. I tried to explain. Finally, I asked, "Have you ever felt like you have many different emotions happening all at once?"
To which J replied, "No, it's a girl thing." Guess I have my work cut out.
My own take on things. This is and will be a bittersweet process. One girlfriend mentioned that it tends to be hard to leave the home where your children were born. We did put some sweat and tears into this place. Today, I guess I realized that occasionally you have to take a few steps back in order to move forward. Here's to that dance!